lately jordan and i are all about torturing our boys. like pow-interrogation style. we figure it’s never too early to teach these guys about the harsh realities of life and toughen them up. i’m actually thinking about sending these ideas to our CIA and different branches of the armed forces, we’ve found them THAT effective!

here is our step-by-step guide to making your child-prisoner truly miserable:

1. change their diaper – oh my gosh, this one works so well. especially if you force them to lay on their backs during the change. well, force is a tricky word. those lil’ buggers are strong and resistant these days, despite of all the torture going on, and usually manage to either roll and crawl or get to a stand somehow. don’t let their smiles of satisfaction fool you. torture can be just as effective when diapering in alternative positions.

2. put on a shirt or onesie over-the-head – this one can illicit blood-curdling screams if done just right. combined with tight-cuffed sleeves and you’ve got yourself several minutes worth of pure misery.

3. wipe face after meal of gruel – well, we’re not barbarians over here. the gruel is homemade at least, and our prisoner-children seem to enjoy it. which makes the torture that much more effective! the boys are lulled into content and then – whamo – torture with the warm, wet paper towel. misery is amplified if gruel is sticky (i.e. prunes) and requires some effort to get off face. misery is tripled if said towel is wet with tepid or cold water. torture reaches code-red when technique is paired with a rousing-round of “little red caboose.”

there you have it! my guess is it will take another month or two for these techniques to really sink in and harden our kids. there is no limit to our creativity, however. i’m confident we will adapt and develop ever more brutal torture for them to endure.

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